“Mirror, mirror on the wall… Who’s the most diverse of all?”

“It ain’t you, my friend. You’re standing in this bathroom alone!”

It’s true… the only time you DON'T experience diversity is when you are standing alone in the bathroom looking in the mirror.

Heck, you don’t even have to look in the mirror. It’s true – with or without the mirror.

Diversity happens as soon as two people are together.

That’s because no two people are completely alike.

They’re like snowflakes. Or prisms. Or crayons.

Wait, crayons are mass produced….

Anyway….

Diversity is about difference. It’s what makes this journey on this planet so much fun.

Think about it…

….  If you were walking down the street and all you saw were people who looked exactly like you, wearing the same clothes you wear, driving the same car you drive…

It would be like high school all over again!

Seriously, diversity is really the elegance of this existence.

For me, if I’m sitting around giving my opinion, it is WAY more FUN if someone disagrees or at least adds a twist or a turn that I hadn’t considered. 

It’s the learning curve.

I LIKE IT when people disagree with me, when they have opinions that are different than mine – even if it is only a little different!

The only things I know are what I have experienced, thought about, learned about, or looked at closely. My blinders are painted in the colors I can see and only in the colors I can see. 

I need others to expand my colors, expand my experience, to give me a more diverse outlook, more things to think about differently.

Your experiences, thoughts, learnings, and considerations are different than mine. And if you’re culture, language, upbringing, experience of class or privilege or.. or… or…

Is different!!!!

THAT’S diversity.

Can you see why it’s such a celebration? Why there’s so much to learn?

There’s no way I can experience everything myself. Consequently, I want to meet as many people with as many different experiences as possible.

Please, tell me more about you, about that thing you considered over there or the learning you had right here or, what did you call that whatchamacallit?

Let’s ALL stand in front of the mirror, together…

“Mirror, mirror on the wall…  ain’t we so diverse and all?”

What if the open violence in the U.S. is really an open door?

Understanding the Opportunity!

I have watched as the climate of this country has increased in the expression of open bigotry, open hatred, and some resulting violence.

I know it isn’t new or sudden. It has been brewing for centuries. 

The fear mongering of the last decade has fed it, the political climate nurtured it. 

And... it is right on time in the Cycle of Prejudice. 

The upheaval of the last several years was predictable.

In the Cycle of Prejudice, prejudice starts as totally sanctioned; mainstream approved, acceptable, even expected. Think of slavery, for example (though it is not the only example).

Prejudice was the norm, accepted as a fact and created as a foundation within the infrastructure.

Then over time it became less acceptable to some….

…. Then it became less acceptable to more… 

then to many…  

soon there was a violent push for it to end (Civil War).

It became law that slavery be eliminated. The expectation was that the prejudice that accompanied slavery would also be eliminated. Laws went into place to require equality between blacks and whites in various forms, various settings.

…But you can’t mandate will.

The prejudice simply went underground.

While there, it festers and brews. Blame, stereotypes, anger; they all grow – deep and dark – until, suddenly they erupt.

During the era of mandated will when racism was not-so-politically-correct, words and acts of prejudice and violence increase; slowly, subtly at first becoming more brazen, to more blatant (consider the limelight of police brutality, of Black Lives Matter). 

The senses of the public become almost dulled to it, almost callous to the occurrences as they rise and increase and become the norm.

And then prejudice again becomes accepted. It is large and out loud; brash, vulgar, and sometimes violent.

That’s where we are again.

Prejudice is loud, large, above board, seemingly approved and accepted.

It is uncomfortable…. But what if this open hatred, open prejudice, open violence is actually an open door?

What if it is the BEGINNING of real respect and equity within our society?

Can you see the possibility?

When prejudice is underground, it is almost impossible to deal with. It is easily denied. It is often subversive, insidious, and hard to identify.

When it is “loud and proud”, that’s when the opportunity truly exists; 

…the opportunity for dialog.

The dialog isn’t about an expectation that people are transformed into singing Kumbaya in the streets, holding hands with a happy ending with Grinch-like transformations.

It isn’t about even changing people’s perspectives or how they think.

It’s about teaching and expecting and holding individuals and groups to the idea of simple respect.

 

I’m not talking about the type of respect that is earned. I’m talking about the type that is given; simply and civilly.

Such respect is about increasing individual and collective tool boxes. Learning to manage the self in conflict, in differing opinions, in the process of being offended, of not liking someone or something someone does.

Building tool boxes begins with dialog. 

Honest, difficult dialog that interrupts the Cycle.

It starts with “the choir,” those of us who are already ready, who already get it.

We start by exploring our own behavior, beliefs, implicit and explicit biases; challenging them in one another, owning our sh*t.

It starts by recognizing our privilege (virtually everyone experiences some level of privilege) and stepping into the power and responsibility of that privilege.

In this way, we are at the beginning of a great opportunity to interrupt the Cycle of Prejudice; as individuals and as a society.

Not by punishing the hatred (different than accountability).

Not by futilely attempting to mandate will (that hasn't gone well yet).

But by checking ourselves first – checking our bias, our privilege, our blind spots, our painful spots.

And talking about it.

It starts with you.

And remember, that’s something you have control over.

YOU can start, continue, and expand the dialog.

Baby steps.

I look forward to anyone who wants to engage in that conversation. 

Tweet @LeahKyaio #letstalkaboutthehate

Email me.

Comment below.

Do your part – start the conversations.

With Respect,

Leah R. Kyaio

Photo by Markku Solopuro

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. - 

Not just a word; It's a real thing!

Respect is at the core of all healthy relationships. But what is it exactly?

It is a word we throw around like we all mean the same thing, all have the same ideas about how it feels, looks, and manifests. Yet respect has cultural, environmental, experiential, developmental, and personal influences for each and every one of us. When I say RESPECT it may or may not be the same thing as when you say RESPECT.

I realized in my work that I had to be clear about what I meant, what I expected, when I said the word "RESPECT."

After all, my business is With Respect, LLC.

That’s why I developed an acronym. It has given me something to manage my own behavior, something to teach and train from, and something I can teach as a tool to be used against racism and sexism in business. I use it everywhere from my living room to my boardroom.

This is my acronym for RESPECT. Feel free to develop your own; from your living room to your boardroom.

R = Remember. This is the art of pulling these ideas out of the back of our brain into the front. We have to dust it off, bring it to the forefront of our mind where it can be seen and used. In everything we do, every day, RESPECT is a consideration, it is the order of the day.

E = Empathy. The importance of putting ourselves in another's shoes. This is about feelings; knowing how others might feel in another situation. That pain you feel when someone else stubs their toe? That’s empathy. That proves you have it. That’s why it’s so important that we use it; we are hard wired for it.

S = Sincerity. The impeccability of the word – of My Word. Say what you mean and mean what you say. It is about thinking before we speak; saying exactly what we intend to do, what we believe to be true, what we might think. Then comes the follow through on action; the behavior has to support the Word. Oh, and by the way, it’s not just what you say on the outside of your head… it’s what goes on inside as well. I wouldn’t call you stupid (that’s not respectful) which means I also don’t call myself stupid.

P = Patience. There are several different kinds of patience. The kind that can wait in line or at a traffic light for hours (so not me!) and the kind that engages with people, mindful that each of us is in a different place, doing the best we can, and waits for them to catch up. It’s about being able to use our empathy and helping people get to where they need to be at their pace. When I’m the boss, I have to provide instruction and guidance in ways that people can hear and then I have to do what I can to move them toward those expectations in supportive ways. I don’t wait for the first time they fall outside the lines and “catch” them. I stay at hand and guide, answering questions, asking questions, mentoring, and teaching.

E = Equity. Not the kind you have in the financing of your house. This is justice; the level playing field, the idea that all people are created equal and deserve equal treatment and access regardless of how they look, sound, smell, or appear. If I need glasses, I get them. It doesn’t mean everyone on my shift gets glasses just because I have them. Those who need them, get them. Those who need something else, get that. It’s about striving to succeed within a group as a group.

C = Compassion. This is the action of empathy; it happens without judgement, listening without agenda, speaking from the heart. It is doing the right thing because it is the right thing. I also call it humanity.

T = Truthfulness. This is honesty provided in a way that can be heard. Your girlfriend, having asked how the outfit she is trying on looks, will probably react better and hear you without being insulted if you say, "Green isn't your color" rather than "OMG! That's hideous!"

Respect isn’t about fear. Fear motivates people to do what’s expected when there’s a chance to get caught. It is an external force that doesn’t serve well for long-term impact. How many of us speed until the cop shows up and then we slow down to the right speed? That's respecting the speed limit out of fear. It's because the speed limit isn’t meaningful to us; we only follow the rule when we might get caught because we fear the consequences, not because we respect the rule.

True respect INSPIRES; comes from within. It is our favorite teacher in school in whose class we tried really hard because we wanted to impress them or not disappoint them. We wanted them to think as highly of us as we did of them. That’s the beginning of respect. Nurtured and guided, that becomes what we here at With Respect, LLC talk about as I-WE-US. But that’s the next blog!

What I offer here is a tool, something you can apply tomorrow to see changes in places and relationships that are meaningful to you, particularly in the workplace.This is pretty typical for me; I like to offer tools you can use immediately.

Try this acronym out – act on it, post it, talk about it – then let me know what it does for you, how things might be different or people might engage differently with you. Feel free to comment below or contact me here.

Oh, and because this tool is a resource for you to use, you can email me here and I would be happy to send you a nice 8 1/2" X 11" electronic visual available for your use. (We are also ordering t-shirts with our logo and the R.E.S.P.E.C.T. acronym on them that will run about $24. If you’re interested, let me know that in the email too.)

This is the first blog in the new series “Blogging With Respect.”

We here at With Respect, LLC have embarked in a new direction that brings together all the fabulousness of the services we have historically offered and takes them to the next level. I’d love it if you looked around and gave us some feedback on what you see.

The website is here.

That’s why I wanted to provide the definition now, at the beginning of our new conversation, because, well, our business is called With Respect, LLC and I use the word A LOT. You need to know what I mean when I say it.

I also encourage you to develop your own acronym, by yourself or in a group that you work with, even within your family. Developing your own can provide you with the ownership that is crucial in being able to live within the guidelines.

The reality about respect is that I don't have to like you to respect you. You and I may not see eye to eye, may have a personality conflict or may just not get along but that in no way gives me permission to be anything less than respectful with you. Doing that with grace and ease takes practice (and some people give us lots of opportunities to practice!) but it can be done. This is one tool that helps us remember that and learn how to do it.

For today, think about your idea of respect. What does it look like? How does it feel? How does it manifest.

Remember, if you haven't done so already, follow me on this blog using the link to the right. Also, if you like what you read, please pass this on to those you know would like to hear it too. And, as always, I look forward to your comments as we grow and learn together!

With Respect,

Leah R. Kyaio